By Sean Y., Client, WestCare California
My name is Sean Y. I’m currently a client in WestCare California’s MLK Residential program in Fresno, California. Because I have battled substance abuse for over 20 years now and have been through several treatment programs, I understand how challenging finding hope amid addiction can be. “Rosebuds: The Addiction Poem” is an effort to instill hope in the hopeless rather than become paralyzed in their despair and to inspire the reader to pursue a better life.
Sincerely,
Sean Y.
——
Roses are Red and violets are blue
Someone must’ve really done a number on you
That’s what she told me
Once she told me she missed me,
She told me she missed me
Then I told her I felt guilty
Guilty for staying out all night
Guilty for not doing what I know to be right
Guilty for falling into temptation
Even though I fight it and fight it with all my might
Seductive and beguiling
The siren calls to me
My addiction knows all too well my inner yearning
My desperate craving
Craving for a fix
I’ve fallen in love with a stranger
I’ve fallen for the strange face in the mirror
I might as well have been pulling the trigger
Because each time I use
I fall deeper and deeper
I’m lucky to be alive
This time I barely survived
Last time I followed the hollows
Away I went
Falling way down the rabbit hole
Chasing the bittersweet kisses of a tourniquet
Roses are Red and violets are blue
Rose buds get darker and darker when I do one or two
I don’t know why I do this
There must be something I missed
A classic egotist
I’m surely a sadist
Look up what it means to be selfish
Guaranteed you’ll find my pic
A bonafide narcissist
I wasn’t always like this
I was brought up with hugs and lots of kisses
But
Somehow, somewhere
The grass became much much greener
Someplace I didn’t belong
Someplace far away from home
Down the road, up the street
Is where I lost my sensitivity
My ability to really feel anything
Surprise,
I was searching for something
Something for numbing the gnawing
The nasty pain I was feeling
I can’t quite put my finger on it
I’ll do my best to describe it
I think the word might be
Maybe
Inadequate
No good for me
No good for you
The mess I found myself in distorted my point of View
The allure
Deceptive
Repelled then attracted
All I hoped for at that point
Was the hope that the dope
Would take care of all of it
All but the truth of the matter
The truth is I got sadder and sadder
With every hit that I took
I didn’t care how it looked
I didn’t care that my loved ones had scattered
They ran for cover
My sisters and brothers
They ran for safety
Praying for sobriety
It’s not that they didn’t love me
They just hated how I lost
Who I used to be
I couldn’t see it
I was stuck in the middle
I just did a bit; it was only a little
Truth out the door
A little became a lot
Truth was it was me who got “got”
Before I knew it, I didn’t know who I was anymore
More
More and more
Up the dose
Who can host
Be the one to introduce me
To the candy man
Or
Mr. sandman
Or
Anyone who can bring me a dream
Offer me a fantasy or some other alternative to my reality
I was suffering from
Diseased thinking
Thinking the crystal would somehow help me
Over and over again
I do the same thing
Insanity
I was hallucinating
I was using
Doubting
Believing
Questioning
Who has the antidote?
This sickness is killing me
Me and my humanity
My head’s not right
Pride’s been injected
Hope got dejected
Authorities disrespected
Morality ought not be neglected
How did this part of me become my identity?
Roses are Red and violets are blue
Tell me why it’s so hard to tell the truth
Tell me why is it so hard to live this way
Tell me why is it so high the price I paid
Trading my valuables for meaningless thrills
Getting evicted because I can’t pay the bills
I became the man on the street
The jack of all trades
Honestly
I’m starting to see it
See the drugs acting as Band-Aids
An illicit medicine
Man made
Covering up wounds deep
Ineffective
Methamphetamine
Producing counterfeit
Dopamine
Staying on this road is a one way
I won’t make it to live another day
If you’re passing me up, then you’re passing the buck
Hey brother, can’t you spare a dime?
Can’t you see I’m having a hard time?
Can’t you spare me two cents
Or am I merely just a nuisance?
I just need a tip
At least just someone to be kind
I gotta’ stop selling my soul
I gotta’ stop making deals with the devil
I gotta’ take a deep breath
And
Let it all go
I gotta’ let the light in so I can breathe again
I gotta’ get back to the man I used to know
So, between a rock and a hard place
Here I stand face to face with myself
The only one who can help
I’m my own worst enemy
Hold on now
Hold your fire
This one is friendly
Stop and raise the white flag
Stat
Quick before I pass out and it all fades to black
This here is an SOS
A personal intervention
So, I won’t end up in either a coffin or cuffs
I’m screaming at the top of my lungs
Listen
I’ve had it!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
I’m mustering up the strength to say
I’m admitting my mistakes today
I surrender
I cannot deny
The more I admit the less likely
I’ll take my own life
Roses are Red
And
Violets are blue
Let me take the first step because
I really, really need you
